Famous Last Words

By Jeremy White - November 29, 2004

Col is known by all for his wonderful sense of humour, and his ability to cut through to the funny side of things. Sometimes witty and intellectual, sometimes even wicked or dark, but mostly sparkling with the joy and funniness of life's absurdities.

Garry Linnell told me that on one visit to Colin in hospital he told him to stop doing Arafat impersonations. I think he would have got a good laugh from that.

I do know that very few topics were off-limits for a good joke where Colin was concerned. So, in that spirit, I've tried to find some "famous last words" that he might have appreciated. All of them are worthy of one of Col's Homeresque D'Ohs.

Col, I hope these give you a chuckle if they have web access in the heavens, or at the least a comedic groan or two.
Jed

Pedant's corner

Favras, Thomas de Mahay, Marquis de
"I see that you have made three spelling mistakes."
(Comment when he was handed his sentence of execution)

Bouhours, Dominique (1628-1702)
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
(Grammarian obsessed with purity in the French language)

Great predictions

Nostradamus (Michel de Notre Dame) 1503-1566
"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here."

H G Wells (Writer)
"Go away. I'm all right."

Fairbanks, Douglas, Sr. (Actor)
"Never felt better."

Franz Ferdinand, Archduke
"It is nothing. It is nothing."
(Regarding his mortal wound that led to WWI)

Professional to the end

Haller, Albrecht von (Doctor)
"It's beating--beating--beating--it's stopped."
(Physician on his deathbed taking his own pulse)

Conrad Hilton (Founder of the Hilton chain)
"Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub."

Barnum, Phineas Taylor (Circus man)
"How were the circus receipts in Madison Square Gardens?"

Saroyan, William (1908-1981) (Pulitzer Prize winning writer)
"Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what?"
(Filing the news on the phone to the Associated Press)

Sedgwick, John "Uncle John," General (1813-1864)
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--."

Great comebacks

Ibsen, Henrik (Playwright)
"On the contrary."
(In response to a nurse's comment to a visitor that he was feeling better)

Saint Lawrence (Roman Martyr)
"Turn me. I'm roasted on one side."
(During his execution on a gridiron over hot coals)

Chaplin, Charles
"Why not? After all, it belongs to him."
(In response to the priest saying "May the Lord have mercy on your soul")

Comte, Auguste
"What an irreparable loss!"
(French philosopher)

Tolstoy, Leo (Nikolaevich), Count (1828-1910)
"Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not make six."
(Rejecting friends who wanted him to reconcile with the Church)

Mizner, Wilson (Writer and Gambler)
"Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking to your boss."
(Waving a priest away after briefly regaining consciousness)

Looking on the bright side

Garrett, Johnny Frank (Bank robber)
"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."

Harold Lillis "Bing" Crosby (Singer and entertainer)
"It was a great game."
(After collapsing at the end of his last round of golf)

Lost for words

Villa, Francisco "Pancho" (Doroteo Arango - Mexican Revolutionary)
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
(Talking to reporters as the end neared)